Just Like the Waltons
by sallyRjupiter
Summary: Based on the 1993 film "Son-In-Law". Rebecca and Crawl have a daughter, Melanie, who's a bit straitlaced, and embarrassed by her dad.


Shortly after the Thanksgiving vacation was over, and between the Christmas holiday and New Year's, Crawl and Rebecca slept together for the first time. Which was good, because it was a new step in their relationship.

But a month after, Rebecca found herself sick every morning, and that she had missed her period. When she went to the doctor, she discovered that she was indeed pregnant.

So Crawl and Rebecca, not wanting to upset Walter, Rebecca's father, decided to get married early after all, and they were married in a little chapel in Vegas, near the casino where Crawl had grown up. Rebecca's parents were not too happy about this, but just as they got over the initial shock of Rebecca's relationship with Crawl, they soon accepted it.

And nine months later, their daughter, Melanie was born. Rebecca stayed in college after the baby was born, and became a fashion designer. She became quite successful, and her designs were worn by many prominent celebrities in the area. And Crawl could not decide on a career, and indeed kept changing majors for a number of years, in fact until Melanie herself was almost old enough for college.

Melanie was a lovely young girl, and people always said that she looked almost exactly like her mother Rebecca, except that she was very tall, almost five ten. She had long dark hair, and her mother's hazel eyes. Rebecca wanted her to be model, but Melanie had in mind a different career path, she planned to attend medical school after college, and be a doctor.

Unlike her father, Melanie was very staid and serious. She rarely went on dates, and never went to any parties or dances. This caused Crawl much worry that he could have a daughter so different from himself. But Crawl and Melanie were very close in spite of this, and ever since she was a little girl, he always had the ability to make her giggle, with his sharp wit and odd parlance.

But from the time she became a teenager, Melanie began to be embarrassed by her family, particularly her father, especially since he had been in college for so long. Though Crawl no longer possessed his long curls in favor of shorter hair, he still had a preference for clothes in pastel colors, and nineteen eighties fashions, and his aforementioned surfer dude vernacular. But this was never more the case than when she met Tim.

Melanie was seventeen when she met Tim at a local Beverly Hills Starbucks. She had gone there for a coffee after school, and Tim had been working at the cash register. He was a slender young man with short dark hair, and bright blue eyes. Melanie was instantly attracted to him, and soon she found herself going there every day after school. Finally, after she had been going there for a whole month, Tim asked her to stay after his shift ended, so that they could have coffee together.

Tim was twenty-two, as he told her during their first coffee, and he was going to college nearby. He had moved to Los Angeles from Vermont, where his father ran a local paper producing plant. Tim's father wanted him to go to work at the plant, but Tim felt differently. He planned to teach English after college and get a doctorate.

"Oh, my father once tried for a doctorate in English, as well." said Melanie.

"Really?" Tim said. "What happened?"  
He had given it up for a major in woodworking, but somehow Melanie did not want to tell Tim this.

"Uh…he got it, of course." Melanie amended. "Among others. He's a….professional scholar. In fact, he's working on a degree right now."

"Really?" Tim said. "He sounds very interesting."  
"Oh, he is." said Melanie.

Soon, Melanie and Tim began dating regularly for six months. Melanie began to see herself with Tim for a long term relationship.

Melanie had been going out with Tim every Friday evening for the past six months, while her mother was working late at her office, and her father had been at classes. But one night, she came home at midnight to find her parents waiting for her in the kitchen.

"Oh, I was…just…going to bed." said Melanie. "Goodnight, guys."  
"Just a minute, honey." Rebecca said. "We'd like to talk to you."

"Fine." Melanie said, her arms folded. She sat down in the chair across from where her parents were sitting.

"Sweetheart, we noticed that you've been staying out awfully late these past few weeks." said Rebecca. "And….we're concerned that you might be…making some wrong choices."  
"Mom!" said Melanie. "Don't you trust me?"  
"Of course we do, sweetie. But…well, there are a lot of pitfalls a young girl can fall into."  
"Okay, you got me. I've been drinking, smoking pot, getting pregnant _and _I have a tattoo. Oh, no, that sums up both your histories, doesn't it?" Melanie said angrily.

"Hey, do not talk about your mother that way, Mel." said Crawl. "I _told _you not to get that tattoo, didn't I, Becca. See where it got you?"  
"Melanie, I don't see how you can be so hurtful." Rebecca said. "We're your parents, and we have a right to be concerned. Besides, we didn't accuse you of anything, did we? We were just asking."

"Yeah, and besides, if we hadn't gotten pregnant you wouldn't even be here, Mel, so I just don't see how you can be mad at us for that."

"I'm not mad, Dad. I just…don't see why you're suddenly on my case."

"Well, if you weren't mad, I'd hate to see you when you were, you know what I mean? That would be some trick, right?" Crawl said.

"Crawl!" said Rebecca. "Can we please…"  
"Oh, right." said Crawl. "Melanie, we'd like to know where you were, if you please." He looked at her expectantly, but while Rebecca was looking away, he mouthed "Not me, her." to Melanie.

"Crawl!" said Rebecca in a tone of outrage.

"What, I thought that we had this good cop, bad cop thing going, you know?"  
"Yes, Crawl." Rebecca said. "But please tell me why it is that I always have to be the bad cop?"  
"Because…you've got a tattoo. No one's gonna want to tangle with you."

"Crawl, this is really not the time for-

"Oh, for Pete's sake!" said Melanie. "I was out with my boyfriend, okay?"  
"Oh," said Rebecca. "And why were we not told about a boyfriend?"  
"Take it easy, Becca. Don't carry this 'bad cop' thing too far. So Melanie's got a boyfriend, that's all. It's her private business."  
"Thank you, Dad." said Melanie.

"Melanie," said Rebecca. "why didn't you just tell us about this boyfriend."  
"Well….I just wasn't…sure if we were serious or not."  
"Oh, honey…" said Rebecca. "I hope it hasn't gotten too…serious. I mean….I hope you guys haven't…"  
"Boned." said Crawl.

"Crawl!" said Rebecca.

"Oh, for Pete's sake." said Melanie, covering up her face.

"What? I was just-"

"Dad, please. It's just not your business, okay?" They had not, in fact, had sex, but she did not feel the need to give her parents permission to meddle in her business.

"Well, we're concerned, Melanie, that you might make the wrong choice before you're ready." Rebecca said. "You might end up very unhappy. Some guys might try to lead you on."

"Mom, I'm not naïve, okay?" Melanie said.

"We know, Melanie. We're just concerned." said Rebecca.

"We just want you to be careful, Melanie. You're making us kind of nervous since you've grown into…well, a real Betty. Right, Becca?"  
"Of course." said Rebecca.

"A Betty, Dad?" Melanie said, sighing inwardly.

"Yeah, you know, a real babe, right Becca? A hottie, like your Mom. And your Grandma. Three generations of hot…ties, true?" Rebecca nodded obligingly.  
_I could die right here._ thought Melanie.

"Well, Dad, this certainly is a…milestone. I couldn't be happier to know that you think that I have at last grown into a….Betty. Really." said Melanie. "I'm so happy I think I'll go to bed now, okay?" Melanie said.

"Sar…casm." said Crawl.

Melanie felt kind of bad about what she had said, she knew what he meant, but did he have to put it in such a ridiculous way?

"Dad…" said Melanie. "Dad, don't change, okay?" She hugged him.

"Only if you promise not to do me severe bodily damage, since you're all the way up there. Amazon wom…an"  
Melanie laughed. "Okay."

Melanie and Tim had a lot in common, chiefly their focus on education, and their career goals.

Similar to her father, Tim had a good sense of humor, and an acerbic wit. However, dissimilar toher father, Tim seemed to possess a level head, with a brain inside it.

However, Melanie decided early to omit her some of her father's more embarrassing details, whenever the subject of their parents came up, which was frequent, since Tim frequently wanted to complain about his. However, that didn't leave her with very many details to provide.

"So your father's an academic,you said?"  
"Uh-huh." said Melanie.

"My father thinks academic pursuits are for sissies. That's what he told me when I told him about my desire to be a teacher."  
"Oh, come on. He doesn't want you to go to college?"  
"No, he wanted me to, but to get a business degree. That's why I'm working at Starbucks right now. To supplement the money he won't give me to pay for tuition."  
"Gosh…he sounds like a real jerk, if you don't mind my saying so."

"Oh,I don't mind your saying. I've been saying so for years myself."

"My mother wants me to be a model." Melanie said. "She never considered that I might want to do something else."

"My father never considered what I wanted to do either. All he can think about is making money."

"I certainly don't have that problem with my father. He never even thinks about money."  
"I know, you told me. He's more concerned with intellectual pursuits, right?"  
"Yes. Yes, he certainly is." It was true that he did, but he also hadn't actually finished any of them.

"Do your parents treat you well?"  
"Oh, yes." Melanie said. "They're very cool about a lot of things some parents wouldn't be. We're very close, but…but…sometimes my mom can be a little…high strung. And my dad, well…he…sometimes he sounds a bit…weird in his dialect…you know?" She looked at him apprehensively. "I mean some people from other places might not understand the way some people here speak, you know what I mean?"  
"Oh, I know exactly what you mean." Tim said.

"You do?" said Melanie.

"Yeah, I know how these intellectuals can sometimes sound a little pompous, but you get used to it." said Tim. "I guess it makes them think they're more cultivated. No offense."  
"Oh, none taken." said Melanie.  
"What I can't stand are these idiots who go through life thinking college is all about beer, partying, and girls. They should all be jailed until they learn to act like civilized human beings."  
"Well…maybe they just.. haven't found their purpose yet." Melanie.

"Well, I think it's pretty doubtful that they ever will, don't you?" Tim said.

"Well….yeah, probably it is." said Melanie.

"Melanie," said Rebecca at the table that evening. "We need to talk about this guy you're dating."

"Mom, why do you have to give me the third degree?" Melanie put her fork down, exasperated.

"Ease up on the hostility, Melanie. Mom just wants to know about your life, that's all." said Crawl.

"Well, he's a lot older than you, Melanie. That's what I want to talk about." said Rebecca.

"Mom! He's only twenty-two…wait, how do you know how old he is? You've never met him."  
"I…followed you today. To Starbucks. I wanted to get a look at this guy."  
"Mom, I can't believe you! I never thought you'd do a thing like this. What about when Grandma and Grandpa tried to tell you what to do?"  
"Well, that was different." said Rebecca.

"How was it different?"  
"Well, for one thing, I wasn't seventeen." said Rebecca. "But besides that, things are always different when you become a parent. But, I didn't say you couldn't date this guy. I talked to him, and he seemed like a nice young man."  
"You _talked _to him?"  
"Yes. Yes, I certainly did. Don't worry, I didn't talk about you. I simply introduced myself, and as it turns out, his mother is a big fan of my clothes. So he'd heard of me. We had a very nice conversation."  
"Mom, I can't believe that you would be so out of touch. Do any idea how embarrassing it is for someone's mother to come in and just introduce herself?"

"Oh, come off it. For someone who thinks that they can date an older guy, you just aren't acting very adult." Rebecca said. "Tim seems very nice and respectable, but my concern is that you won't have enough in common with him. Five years might not seem like a lot, but it is an awfully big gap at your age."

"We have a lot in common. That shows how much you know. Dad, how could you let her do this?"

"Well…actually, I agree with your mother. You know…a guy like Tim…what does he want with a seventeen year old girl like you, Mel? It's not good conversation, I can tell you that, right Becca?"

"Right." Rebecca said. "Honey…I don't think you realize…how badly you could end up getting hurt."

"I can't believe this!" said Melanie. "I expected this from her, but you, Dad…I can't believe what a hypocrite you're being."

"Melanie, I'm only telling you what I think of this guy. We're not forcing you to do anything you don't want to. We just want to prepare you."  
"What you think of Tim? Oh, that's really rich." Melanie said.

"Mel, princess, you're upset. Chill out. And…well, I hate to see you so upset." Crawl put his hand on Melanie's. "Come on. You're gonna be okay."  
"It was you all along that wondered what I was doing, wasn't it? And you let Mom take the rap for it? You're scum." said Melanie.

"Whoa, Melanie, I think that might be a lit-le harsh. I mean…talk about bringing a chainsaw to a pillow fight, right Becca?" Crawl said laughingly.  
"Right," said Rebecca. "And anyway, that's not true, it was me as well as your Dad."

"Yeah, and anyway, I majored in biology for two semesters, and I just don't think, Melanie, that concern for offspring's welfare is one of the discerning characteristics of scum."

"No, but staying in college for twenty years is one of the dis_cer…_ning characte_ris…._tics of a lo…._ser_." said Melanie.

"Melanie!" said Rebecca. She put her hand to her chest. "What's gotten into you?"

"I wouldn't want you to say anything you'd regret, Mel." said Crawl. "Especially not since I could just say, gee, maybe I should outright forbid Mel to see this guy, I mean if she's that crazy over him, who knows what she might do, right, Becca?"

"Right." said Becca.

"Especially since he's, well, probably not all that into her, I mean you're a major babe, and all Melanie, but anyone can see that a guy like that is only interested in a seventeen year old because all he wants to do is have sex, and then you're history, babe."  
Melanie looked aghast. "That is not true, you brain damaged little twit!"  
"Hey, hey that is your father, young lady." said Rebecca, shocked.

"Well, Mom, some people just might get that impression. You know what, this isn't about my welfare, at all. This is about you being jealous of Tim because he's almost a college graduate, and the only thing you ever managed to get a degree in was The Philosophy of Beer and 'Cones', _Crawl_. That's why Tim would think you were scum, and I think he'd be right. I mean, Tim's an English major, and you, all you can do is sit around using words like chill out, and babe, and hottie, and…you know what, this isn't even about Tim, this is about you being an embarrassment to me, and you always have been. You're pathetic."

There was a long, protracted, silence. Rebecca sniffled, holding a napkin to her face.

"Chill out, Becca." said Crawl, putting his hand on Rebecca's. "You've upset your mother, so I think you should just go to your room now."

"Fine." Melanie said.

And she did.

For the next week, all the meals were eaten in excruciating stretches of silence. Crawl looked sullen and angry, most of the meal, and then left quickly to go to the living room.

Melanie had been thinking about what her father had said, and maybe he was right. Even if Tim had the most noble of intentions, they still wouldn't have enough in common for a few years yet.

"Tim," said Melanie the following week. "I've been thinking. I really care for you, but….I think we'd be better off as friends."  
"You're breaking up with me?" said Tim.

"Yeah. ..I mean, I really liked you in the beginning, but…I think we just needed someone to talk to. And we can still be that. I'd like that."  
"Yeah…I guess I sort of saw you as the same as me. We both had issues with our parents, and I thought there was more to it than that, but now…I don't know." He looked at her. "I guess….speaking of parents, it kind of put a damper on things when your mom paid me a visit, huh?"  
"Yeah. I guess it did." She sighed. "We could still talk about all the issues we have with our families, huh?"  
"Yeah."  
"I guess I really…screwed things up even worse than they were before with my family. Now they hate me."  
"I'm sure they don't hate you." said Tim.

"I'm sure they don't too, but…they'll hardly speak to me. They…think you wanted to take advantage of me."  
"I guess you can't blame them for being protective."

"I said some things I regret. I called my dad a pathetic loser."  
"He probably didn't take it seriously."  
"I don't know. I think he did. Now he won't speak to me."  
"Well, did you apologize?"

"No."

"No? Don't you think you should?"

"It's complicated. Now that I've said it, I'm afraid I'll just make things worse."  
"Well, the longer you wait, the worse it'll be. I'm sure you know that."

"You're right." They walked in silence.

"Your mother was very charming. She seems pretty classy." said Tim.

"Thanks." Melanie said. "People say we look very similar. What do you think?"  
"You do. You're both very beautiful women."  
Melanie smiled. "People have said we're both a couple of hot…_ties._"

Tim looked at her. "That's weird."  
"Well, thanks a lot. I don't think it's so weird."

"No, it's just…the way you said it sounds a lot like this middle-aged idiot in my Advanced Sociology class. I think he's been there like thirty years, hasn't absorbed a thing. I think he burned out the first semester he…hey, where are you going?" Tim said. Melanie was walking ahead. Tim caught up.

"Something I said?"

"Well, some people are just indecisive, Tim."

"I'm not…wait, what are you talking about?"  
"You should probably watch who you call an idiot, Tim." said Melanie. She continued walking ahead.

"Melanie, I didn't call you…oh, I see."  
"Do you?" said Melanie.

"Is that why you broke up with me?" Tim said. "Crawl?"

"I guess you could say that…but mostly I did it for myself."

"Melanie, the guy wears cowboy boots with denim shorts."  
Melanie smiled. "I know."  
"You love Crawl."

"Of course."

"Melanie, I can't even begin to tell you what a mistake you're making, dating this guy."  
"That does sound pretty disgusting, when you put it that way." said Melanie. "Besides, I'm pretty sure he's married. To my mother, I might add." She walked up ahead further. "I'll see you, Tim."

Melanie came in the door the same day to hear the sound of her mother laughing.

"Somehow, I just don't believe you, Crawl." Rebecca was saying.

"I'm telling you, Becca, I majored in Latin for two years, and 'Rebecca' is Latin for 'perfect cones'."

"I'm sure. Would you let me start dinner now?" Rebecca said.

Melanie came in to the doorway.

"Well," Crawl said to Rebecca. "I've got studying to do, so…" He turned to go in the direction of the living room.

"Dad, wait. I wanted to tell you something." said Melanie.

Crawl turned to look at her. "Yeah?" he said.

"Dad, I…I just wanted to tell you that you were right. About Tim. About him not being right for me. So we're just friends now."  
"Well, gee, how about that, Becca? Even a brain damaged little twit can get one right once in awhile." said Crawl. "I've got to go."

"Dad, wait. I….I'm really sorry." She walked over to him. "I didn't mean any of those things I said…I just…I wasn't thinking straight."

"Not thinking straight…it kinda seemed like you were, Melanie, you sure had plenty to say."  
"I didn't mean it, Dad."  
"Spare me. You did too. But now you feel guilty, so…you make with a phony apology…because _you're_ not into Mr. Wonderful anymore."  
"Dad…that doesn't even make sense. If I wanted to date Tim still, wouldn't I be afraid you wouldn't let me, and then apologize?"  
"Gee, I don't know, Melanie, I guess I'm just not a schemer like you." said Crawl. "But actually, it makes total sense, because you don't feel as unkindly to me, now that that you don't have to be embarrassed by me because of your super-waspy boy…friend."  
Melanie looked at the floor sadly. She folded her arms.

"It…it's just not true, Dad. I did…worry about what Tim would think, but now I realize how foolish I was being to care at all."

"Well, gee, Melanie, if I'd immediately make such a negative impression on this guy that he'd break up with you over it, he's a loser anyway. But I don't think you have a reason to worry, I mean people like me. I relate to people, speak their language, know what I mean? I mean, I majored in just about everything, so chances are I probably know something about their area of interest, right? _Ren…_aissanceman_._" said Crawl, pointing to himself.

"Yeah, I do." said Melanie. "So…I'm really sorry I said those things, Dad."  
"Melanie…" Crawl said. "I just can't get with the idea that you would be so willing to hate me, your own father, over anyone, so…your value system is like, out of _sync_ with mine."

"Dad…I said I was sorry, and I never hated you, I just might have…resented you a little. But I don't anymore. I've grown."  
"Melanie, resentment can really harsh a person on the inside."

"Very…philosophical." said Melanie.

"Well, I should be philosophical, I majored in philosophy my second sophomore year. Not digging your tone, Melanie. If I have to take this kind of abuse, I would rather be pushed in cow man…ure. See ya."

Rebecca, who had been chopping some carrots at the kitchen counter, put her knife down and turned to look at them.

"Crawl," she said. "Ease up. Everybody knows teenagers can have sarcastic tones with their parents."  
"Hey, it's not the sarcasm, it's the condescension behind it that bothers me, Becca."  
"So teenagers have contempt for their parents. There's nothing new there." said Rebecca.

"Not like this one. Melanie, I've got to say, you said I was an embarrassment to you, but you're a disappointment to me."  
"Crawl!"  
"Bec…ca, it's not cool to in-ter-rupt me. Not because you're quiet and serious, but because ever since you've met Tim, you've been acting all contemptuous, like you just don't get me, Melanie. You've become a real snob lately, wheezing all over your mother and me, like you think you're so much better. I'm pathetic? _You're _despicable."

"Crawl! Now that is just the limit." said Rebecca.  
"All right, it was despicable of me to say what I said." said Melanie. "But it was just…a phase I was going through."  
"I know, but last week, Melanie…you've just got to understand, if you talk like that to me, then I just don't think we can be buds, you know?"  
"Crawl, for goodness sakes. She's your daughter."  
"I know, and I'll always love you, Melanie, but what I mean is that what you said put some distance between us."

"Crawl, she said she was sorry. Now you need to forgive her." said Rebecca. "You're her father."

"Dad, I don't want there to be distance between us." Melanie said. "This isn't like you to be so harsh and unforgiving."  
"Hey, I hate to break the news to you, but what you said was really unlike you too, Melanie. I mean, you called me a pathetic loser who stayed in college because of beer and cones, that is so not true. I'm still in college because I like getting new education, and being around young people. It keeps _me_ young. And the only cones I'm interested in now are your mother's, so you got that all wrong, too."  
"Dad, I wasn't saying I thought you looked at other…cones. I just meant-

"You know what, I don't really care, Melanie. I mean, what you said didn't bother me, because _I'm _not insecure about what I do, but it's just the fact that you think those things.

I mean, you never talked to me like that before, and suddenly you're sending rays of venom from here to Encino. It seriously wiped me out, Mel. I mean, I cried a little, after you left."

"Dad, I had no idea. I mean…I know I really hurt you. But I've apologized repeatedly." said Melanie. "Look, I know you're concerned about me, and I want you to know how much I appreciate that. And you're right, I've been a jerk. Sometimes it embarrasses me to hear you mention cones, or hotties, or Betties, but I didn't mean to be so snobbish."

"It's okay. Mel, I just don't want to see you get hurt. I want you to be happy with Tim, but some guys are just not trustworthy. Like your Mom's ex-boyfriend Travis. I don't want you falling for a guy like that."  
"Well, Tim's not a guy like Travis. He's okay, but…I guess things kind of fizzled."

"Well, you'll find someone you like better. And when you do, I'll be happy for you, right Becca?"  
"Yes, we will." Rebecca said.

"Right." said Crawl. "And…I shouldn't have been so harsh…of course we'll always be buds….I mean friends...

"Dad…don't." said Melanie softly.

"Well, I just think I should be a little more dignified…I wouldn't want to make a high class chick…er,young lady, such as yourself squeamish. Right, Becca?"

Rebecca bit her lip. "Crawl…stop harshing her gig."

"Becca!" Crawl said. "You know such words are _verboten_. We may only speak in proper, uncorrupted English from now on. Melanie's boyfriend demands it. Wouldn't want to offend an _English major_, now, would we?"

Melanie glowered angrily, but was fighting the urge to smile. "Mom…"  
Rebecca shrugged. "I don't know what I can do, Melanie. I guess you haven't been clued as of yet, but your dad is apt to hold grudges. I never have stopped hearing, all these years, about how I accused him of cheating on me with Tracy. So there you have it."

"Well, what should I do, then? I certainly shouldn't have to put up with it after I apologized several times already." Melanie looked at him indignantly.

"I apologized, too. Didn't do a darn bit of good."

"What should I do, then?"  
"Stand up for yourself. That was my problem for years. I probably would be married to that psychopath, Travis right now, if I hadn't learned to assert myself. But in a nice, mature, way, Melanie." said her mother.

"Dad…" said Melanie. "I really wish you would cut it out. _You're _not behaving in a very mature way. In fact, you're seeming a lot like a bitter, _mean _weasel."  
Rebecca pursed her lips. "Melanie…"  
"Well, maybe I am, Melanie." said Crawl. "Did you ever think of that?"  
Melanie felt like crying, all of a sudden. "Why?" she said. "You never were before."

Crawl's eyes softened. "Melanie…" he said. He went over and hugged her. "Of course I'm not. Don't be silly."  
Melanie looked at the floor, sadly.

"Mel…" Crawl said. "I was just teasing, when I said all that stuff about proper English. You should know that."  
"I did." Melanie said sadly.

"Of course I'm not a bitter, mean weasel. That really hurt my feelings, Melanie."

"Why? I just meant…everyone calls you the weasel…and you're acting bitter, and mean."

"I'm not bitter, or mean, as I'm sure you know, Melanie." Crawl said sadly. "But you were right about one thing."  
"What?" said Melanie.

"Last week, when Mom followed you…it was my idea."  
"I knew it!" said Melanie indignantly.

"Yeah. Well. I don't think that puts me up there with Hitler or anything, Melanie…but…well, I guess… I really should have been honest."  
"Yeah. I guess you should have been, Dad."  
"But you see, Melanie, that's where the problem lies. All these years, I've always wanted you to think of me as being laid back, and cool, and all that stuff. So…it's hard for me to enforce discipline, and check up on you, and all that…and have us still keep our same relationship. So I guess I pretended that your Mom was the one that was so concerned about you…and she was concerned, too, of course…but…well, really it was me that was the most worried."

Melanie bit her lip. She was touched, but felt strongly resistant to showing it at that moment. "I see." she said.

"And that hurt your Mom…to be thought of as the strict parent all the time. That was my fault."  
"Oh, it didn't hurt me all that much, Crawl." said Rebecca. "Part of the territory, I'd say."  
"Well, she won't admit it now, but it did. And I don't want to hurt your Mom, Melanie. I love her, you know."

"I know you do, Dad." said Melanie.

"And I love you, Melanie. There's nothing I care about more than you two. There's nothing more important to me than family. The Warners…and ours."

"Okay, Dad." said Melanie.

"And all this bitterness and meanness…it's really harshing our family, Melanie. No more." said Crawl. "All right?"

"Okay, Dad. I'm sorry I was so hateful before…I really love you a lot." She bit her lip. "And…I don't want you to change…you can pause between syllables, and um.. talk about…um…harshing, and nugs,and cones, and Betties, and whatever words you want, even if it feels like waterboarding to me." she said, looking up at the ceiling in embarrassment.

"I'm touched by your sentiment, Mel," said Crawl sarcastically." but I do hope that you don't think that I talk that way because I'm stupid."

"See," said Rebecca. "Your father is very sensitive, Melanie."

"Well, Beck, I wouldn't say that exactly, but that's the message I'm getting. So I hope you know, I don't think those are the most clever things in the world to say….I know it sounds a little silly…but it's all in fun, Mel. You used to have fun saying those things with me…remember?"

"No, I've blocked it out. Every second of my traumatic childhood. I think some of it included a grown man sticking his head under a Slurpee machine-

"Crawl…" said Rebecca, her eyes wide with shock.

"I….that never happened. I don't know why Melanie would lie like that." Crawl said, but he was biting his lip to conceal laughter.

"I trusted you, Crawl." said Rebecca in mock horror. She shook her head sorrowfully. "I trusted you with the welfare of that child. And this is what you subjected her to while I was out earning an honest living."  
"And I took care to see that she was raised in as dignified and refined an atmosphere as possible, Becca. Honest. Also, she did it too. She stuck her head right under the Slurpee-

"I was four!" Melanie exclaimed. "Sorry, Weasel, this is all on you."

"You are never mentioning the Tracy thing again, Crawl. I swear, if I ever hear the name Tracy-

"I don't see what that has to do with it, Becca. After all, I subjected myself to shoveling cow manure, and cow urine, and angry pigs, hair trigger tractors…all for you."  
"Well, maybe we can arrange for you to make a special trip down to the farm, and shovel some more, if you mention that again." Rebecca said, crossing her arms, but Melanie saw a hint of a smile.

"See, what you've done, Melanie." said Crawl. "You've subjected me to your mother's wrath now. She scares me."

"Sure she does, Weasel." said Melanie, smiling.

"Becca," said Crawl. "I promise I'll never mention your gross mistrust of my honor-

"Crawl-

"If you never mention my questionable behavior at the 7-Eleven. Deal?"  
Rebecca sighed. "Deal. And you better not violate it."

"Swear on it?" said Crawl. He held out his hand to Rebecca, and they both fluttered their fingers at each other, in a gesture that they did frequently, that Crawl had made up in high school some time or another. Melanie wondered how a successful, self-made businesswoman could stand there and engage in such a silly gesture unselfconsciously, and then say, equally as unselfconsciously, "Grea..sy."

She decided it had to be love, and wondered if maybe she wasn't ready to get herself in such an uncomfortable position after all.

However, just as she had decided this, Tim called her up.

"Melanie," he said."I'd like us to meet at Starbucks."  
She agreed, and the next day, found herself seated across from Tim.

"So," Melanie said. "How have you been?"  
"Okay." said Tim. He sighed.

"Look, actually,that's not true." he said. "I've been thinking…I don't want us to break up. I…I really like you."  
Melanie looked down at the table. She sighed. "I really like you, too."  
"Why did you break up with me?" Tim said. "Were you really convinced we'd be better off as friends, or was it something else?"  
Melanie sighed. "No…I have feelings for you…non-platonic ones. But…"  
"But what?" Tim said.

"But I…I'm not in love with love at the moment. I dislike love. Intensely."  
"Uh huh." Tim said. "I'm having a little trouble believing you."

"Why?" said Melanie. "What do you think the reason is? Some other guy?"

"Well, in a manner of speaking. If by some other guy, you mean…well…Melanie, do I even have to say it?"  
"Oh, come on. What are you suggesting I am, some sicko with Daddy issues? No one will ever measure up?"  
"Well," said Tim. "I've already got a brain cell…more than one, in fact, so I'm not going to lose too much sleep about measuring up."

Melanie glared. "You've got some nerve, Tim. What do you have against my father, anyway?"  
"What do I have against your father?"" said Tim. "Nothing. Nothing at all, really. I've barely even spoken to him. You're making a mistake, thinking I have anything against him."

Melanie made an incredulous sound."Then just what doyou mean, insulting him like that?"  
"Well-" Tim pursed his lips. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way,Melanie, but it's common knowledge around campus, that Crawl is…well…not exactly all there. A bit…burned out, if you know what I mean."

There was a protracted silence. Melanie gazed at the table,sniffling.

Tim sighed. "Melanie.." he said." I'm…I shouldn't have said that."

Melanie glared at him.

"I'm sorry." Tim said.

"Uh huh." said Melanie. "Well, it's not common knowledge around home."  
"Okay." said Tim. He sighed. "But the truth is…well, from what I have observed of your father…I…find him incredibly irritating. I'm sorry. I really am sorry."  
"Oh." said Melanie. "Well._ Now _we're getting somewhere."  
"Oh?" said Tim. "I'm assuming you share this opinion with me, then. Is that a correct assumption?"  
"Perhaps." Melanie said. "What, pray tell, do you find to be irritating about my father?"  
"I'm going to assume that's a joke."

"You assume wrong."  
"Melanie-" Tim said. "I'm going to assume that, you were raised by your father, for your whole life, and can pinpoint, exactly, to the last minute syllable, what I find irritating about him. No further explanation is needed when it comes to Crawl."  
"Syllable. I see. Would it be the stretched syllables, then?"  
"Well-

"The…odd words?"  
"Little bit. But if you must know,the thing that irritates me the most about Crawl is his complete and utter case of arrested development. Always using the words, 'hottie', and 'babe', and 'it's like this', and 'it's like that'. Always cracking stupid jokes about 'boning', semis, and 'President Woodrow Wilson', and-

Melanie's shoulders began to convulse.

"Oh, your echelon of humor, is it?"  
"You better watch it." Melanie said. "And it most certainly is not my 'echelon' of humor,Mr. Hoity-toity English major. I simply found your description to be funny."  
Tim sighed. "I guess it is kind of humorous. The utter ridiculousness and idiocy of Crawl, that is, not Crawl himself."  
Melanie bit her lip."Are you trying to tell me he flirts with other women in the class? Calls them babes, and hotties, so forth? Because I simply don't believe that."  
Tim sighed."Well, Melanie, Ihavent made it my business to do an exhaustive study of your father, but as far as I can see, no. He doesn't call any specific person present in the class a hottie. It could be a picture in a book, a film, just…the usage of the word in his general vocabulary."  
"Yeah," Melanie sighed. "I knew he wasn't like that. He would only specifically address my mother as a hottie. He had this big thing with my mother…she once accused him of cheating with this other girl named Tracy…he never quite forgave her for it…well, now she made him promise not to mention it ever again. It remains to be seen if he'll keep it."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure Crawl is a wonderful, devoted husband, and father, and all of that-

"He is."  
"Yes, well. I know he's your father, and all, but the fact remains, I find Crawl to be annoying as all hell."  
"I believe you've mentioned that." said Melanie.

"But, as I was going to say earlier, even though there's that fact to deal with, in spite of it, I don't care. I still want to make this work. I still care about you."  
"Well, that's very romantic." Melanie said. "The fact that you like me so much that your willing to put up with my annoying, hideous hellbeast of a father. Really gives me comfort."

"Look, Melanie. I didn't put it that way. You did. But let me take back what I said earlier."  
"Which part?" said Melanie.

"When I said I find your father to be as annoying as all hell. See, I know, with my brain, which, by the way, I possess…"  
"_Watch _it."  
"I know, in my mind that your father has the great capacity to be as annoying as all hell, but I don't find him as annoying as all hell personally. I just realize that he is, in fact, as annoying as all hell. But I harbor no ill will towards your father."  
"Good to know." Melanie said. "You're something of a pompous prick, aren't you?"

Tim sighed. "Look, I don't mean to be. Really, I don't."

"Clearly." said Melanie.

"Look, I'm just trying to express…I'm trying to express how I feel about things. About you."  
"I guess there's some romantic sentiment in there. Someplace. If you look hard enough."  
Tim sighed. "I'm not trying to be offensive. I'm really not. And I don't hate Crawl."  
"Okay." said Melanie. "I believe you,okay?"  
"I'm glad." Tim said.

"But," said Melanie. "If you want me to even consider giving it another go, you have to one thing for me."  
"I'm listening."said Tim.

"Take back that thing you said about my father a couple of minutes ago. That the utter ridiculousness and idiocy of Crawl is far more humorous than anything he says or does. I can't conscience that. I can't let you say that about my father." She looked at him expectantly.

"Why not?"

"Because it's an incredibly cruel and offensive thing to say, for starters. And my father would be utterly crushed if he heard it, and it makes me feel terrible that you said it. Are we clear?"  
"Okay. We're clear. I'm sorry I made such a…rude comment about your father. It probably was unneeded, you're right."  
"Probably?"  
"Okay, it was unneeded entirely."  
"Yes, it was."

Tim sighed. "Melanie…" he said. "I..you before that you were breaking up with me because of Crawl. Who, you've told me, is your father. Now…if I can be so bold as to ask-

"Ask what?"  
"Well, if I had to hazard a guess, I'd say that you may have some issues with your father. Issues that compelled you to break it off with me. Am I right?"  
"No. As it happens, no. What happened was, that my father and I have had some issues with each other about my relationship with you."  
"Okay." said Tim. "Okay. Now we're getting to the heart of the matter."  
"Tim-

"Damn it, it's worse than I imagined. Actually, I think it's exactly what imagined."  
"You know, Tim, I think you need a good psychiatrist. You don't need to be 'imagining' anything. And what exactly is your problem with my father anyway? I mean…no one ever cracked wise in a class you've been in before? Where the hell have you been, anyway? If my father's the worst person you've ever met, you really have led a very sheltered life."  
"I didn't say he was the _worst _person I've ever met…" Tim trailed off. "But…"

"Oh, give me a break. No one ever joked around in a class-

"Well, I have to say, not when they were forty. No. Not really."  
"You can attend university at any age, Tim. As I'm sure you've realized."

"Well…yeah. But usually not for twenty years." said Tim.

"Yeah,usually not.I admit you're the question remains: what the hell is to you? How long he attends anyplace?"  
"Because…your father…Crawl…is…well,…scary."

"Scary? My father is scary? You're afraid of Crawl?"  
"Not afraid of, no."  
"You're scared of a five foot, six inch man, with the strength of a…lima bean?"

"More disturbed by, actually."

"You know, I was kidding when I said you needed professional help earlier…but now I think it really might be true. What are you afraid of, that my father might pause so long between syllables that you might physically age in the interim?"  
"You know, for a staunch, loyal-as-pie daughter, you sure are doing an excellent job taking potshots at daddy dear all by yourself. You don't need my help at all."  
"Good, so shut up." said Melanie.

"Well, actually, that fear sounds pretty legit, but as it happens, no. I'm not afraid that Crawl will do anything to me. I'm more disturbed _for_ Crawl…but even more disturbed for you. You see what I'm saying?"  
"And why would that be?"

"Because…obviously someone in your family has some…problems. And it's not you."

"If he wants to do nothing but take classes all his life, it's his business. Certainly not yours. And not because he's stupid."  
"No, he's stupid for many other reasons."  
Melanie glared at him.

"I'm only kidding. Just kidding."

Melanie shook her head.

"Admit it. You wanted to laugh. You've got a whole host of issues with our friend Crawl."

"Oh, yes sir. Yes indeedy. But I simply don't care for your attitude."  
"I'm just trying to get to the bottom of why Crawl wanted you to break up with me in the first place. See, I'm guessing that in between his other…antics…Crawl spends quite a lot of time trying to control your life, and smothering you."  
"Let's be fair." said Melanie. "You're twenty-two, I haven't turned eighteen yet. What do you think Crawl might be thinking?"  
"Did you, by any chance, inform your father that we haven't…"  
"Of course. But he still worries, and even you have to admit, that's normal for any father."

"Well," said Tim. "Fair enough. But…"  
"But…well, Crawl spends quite a lot of time controlling my life and smothering me. A lot less of the former, and more of the latter, really."  
"_That's _why I'm disturbed for you." said Tim.

Melanie sighed. "Well, I appreciate your concern, Tim. I guess. But there's really nothing scary about my father. At least not in a crazed killer way. More in a…scary smothering way."

"Right. Right. At the risk repeating myself…"  
"As I said, Tim, my father is not disturbed or scary. Just sad, really. I mean, he's had three stepfathers, none of them worth much. His mother, Sadie, is a pit boss at a casino in Vegas, where he grew up."  
"Yeah. I believe he mentioned that in class. Probably apropos of not very much, sadly."

"Well, you know, Crawl likes to inform people of things. Anyway, the point is, Crawl never had much in the way of family. Sadie never had very much time for him growing up. Still doesn't. And, as a result, well…he smothers people. Not just me, you know. My mom, too, she doesn't seem to mind. But it goes far deeper than that, Tim."  
"I'm sure it does. I just bet it does." Tim sighed.

"Let me tell you…my father wasn't always called Crawl, you see.."  
"I assume that refers to what he makes your skin do." said Tim.

"Yes, yes. It does. But like I was saying. When he was in high school, he was called Stoney-

Tim put one hand up to silence her, smiling.

"Oh, shut up. I'm sure it wasn't in reference to what you're thinking. At least, not entirely."  
"I have an intuition….just a hunch…that it might. I've met Crawl..Stoney. whatever the heck his name is, and I have the slightest feeling…that he may have rolled a few joints in his time. Just an inkling."

"What, you've had one semester of nodding acquaintance, and apparently you know more than I do about my own father. But that's quite irrelevant, the origin of the nickname. The point is, my father had this friend, Dave Morgan. And his mother would be working late in the casino, and Dad would eat with the Morgans every night. And then he would be all 'You guys are like the Brady bunch.' And he would, well, smother the Morgans."  
"Sad. It really is, Melanie, but-

"And then, of course there's my Mom's family, who he still spends a great deal of time…smothering. My mom brought Crawl over for Thanksgiving, eighteen years ago, when his mom was busy with other things, and one of the first things he says is, 'You guys are like the-

"Addams/Cosbys/Partridges?"  
"Waltons."

"Waltons. Fair enough. So he's a serial comparer-to-sitcom-families, apparently."  
"Don't be a jerk."  
"Well, I'm saying. Interestingly, your father's main activities consist of gathering bizarre nicknames, and wandering into people's houses, and comparing them to dubiously complimentary sitcom characters. In between constant class attending, of course."  
"Well, he certainly has led a unique life, yes."  
"I must admit, nobody's going to duplicate that."  
"Anyway, he's been smothering my mom's family pretty steadily since then." she sighed. "A few years back,my grandfather and great-grandfther died."  
"I'm sorry to hear that."  
"Well, we all loved Walter Sr., and Walter Jr….those were their names. And no one was more upset than my father…even my mother, it seemed, and they were her relatives. He was very close to my grandfather, and he would whittle wood with my great-grandfather, and."  
"At the risk of sounding like a complete creep.."  
"Don't risk it, and you wont have to worry."  
"Can we add 'wood whittling' to your father's bizarre list of activities?"  
"Oh, he took a whole class in that." Melanie said.

Tim sighed, shaking his head. "Of course. I should have guessed."  
"Anyway, after my grandfather and great-grandfather died, my father was around their house, smothering the rest of the family. My mom, my grandmother, and my uncle, Zack."  
"Oh, I'm sure of it." said Tim.

"Doing things like, telling my grandma she looks hot, and-

"Wait, what?"  
Melanie sighed. "He doesn't mean _he's_ actually hot for her. He's just trying to make her feel better, you see. She's in her sixties now, but she's still a very beautiful woman."  
"I'm sure she is, if she's your grandmother." said Tim. "But tell the truth, you're just messing with me now, aren't you? You're trying to make me feel bad for all the things I said about your father, by trying to pretend you think that's even a remotely bad thing, him trying to console your grandmother about her looks, or anything else, for that matter."  
"Of course I don't think it's a bad thing. But the fact remains that he does have a habit of smothering my mother's family with his-

"Neediness. Sitcom-comparing, scary, horrifying, soul-crushing…neediness."

"You said it,not me." said Melanie.

"Oh, let me take the blame. Well, that is indeed a very interesting story. However-

"Oh, and he still calls my Uncle Zack 'Puffy Cheeks' even though Zack's a lawyer now."  
"Oh,I'm not surprised about that either. I've seen him do plenty of that in class. Rather…insulting comments."  
"I'm sure he doesn't mean for them to be. And he cares very much for my uncle."  
"Well, you're the one that brought it up. Also, by the way, frequently a topic of mention is his 'hottie' daughter…I'm assuming that would be you?"  
Melanie put her head in her hands. "Oh, shut up."  
"No, no, now, I know, at least I'm reasonably sure…that he doesn't harbor any incestuous feelings towards you…but still we're seeing more evidence of Crawl's mounting social ineptitude, and…difficulty to share a classroom with."  
"Oh…what about to share a house with? You think it's fun…for anyone except my mother?"  
"Oh, come on now." Tim put his hand on hers. "Look, it's obvious you love your father. It's only natural. But you should probably tell him to stop saying you're a 'hottie'…that's a little wrong."  
"I can't." said Melanie. "Because then he'd be all offended, and worried, that people thought he meant something incestuous…and..it'd just be a mess."  
"He'd get over it." said Tim. "Oh, and by the way, several times I've heard him mention the fact that he's married to a 'farmer's daughter'."  
"Oh, that would be my mom. She grew up on a farm."  
"Farmer's daughter turned fashion designer…and marrier of Crawl. Now we have a mounting list of your _mother's_ bizarre activities."

"Very much so." said Melanie. "Very much so."

"By the way, how _did_ your father come to get the name 'Crawl'?"

"He hasn't mentioned that?"  
"Apparently not."  
"I'm amazed. Well, when he first came to college, he would go to parties, and get drunk, and have to crawl home."

"Lovely." said Tim.

"Yeah." Melanie said.

"You must be so proud. It's a truly proud lineage of yours."

"It is, a very proud lineage we have. Very proud. Also Jewish."

"Really?"  
"Really."  
"By 'we', you mean you and, uh-

"Of course."  
"Yeah, I'm just kidding, of course I knew you were Jewish, he's mentioned it on many an occasion."  
"Often apropos of nothing?" Melanie said.

"You psychic?"  
"Well, of course, of course, as we know darling, Crawl likes to inform people…like you, his classmates, of everything about himself, you know."  
"Well, of course."

"Of course, because _you _guys are like…like a combination of the Jeffersons, and the Ingalls Wilders." said Melanie.

Tim sighed. "Well, you see, Melanie, as much as I'd like to laugh at that, I really just can't let you say a thing like that."  
"What?"  
"I mean, once you say something like that, you've pretty much crossed over to the dark side."  
"_You _said something like it, just a short while ago."

"Yeah, but…that's your father, Melanie. Come on now. You can't laugh at his sitcom comparing…it just isn't cool."  
"Okay, okay. I guess you're right. It's like kicking a poor wounded…well…weasel."  
Tim shook his head. "Another of your dad's bizarre nicknames."  
"Yep."

"You know, it's still pretty hard to wrap my brain around the concept that you're Crawl's daughter. I really wish you weren't, though."  
"Thanks a lot."  
"Well, you probably should be thanking me for that first statement, though."  
"Oh, so I see, you can say whatever you want about him."  
"Well, yeah." said Tim. "He's not _my _father, is he?"  
Melanie sighed. "No. But you better watch it."  
"I have to say, I…had difficulty coming to terms with the fact that you're…well, you know. Related to Crawl."  
"Yeah, well. It is difficult. That's quite true."  
"And once I did, and added what I know about Crawl with what I know about your recent behavior…our breakup, and so forth…well…I felt so sorry for you. It can't be easy."  
"Oh, Tim. It's not as bad as all that." said Melanie. "Basically what it boils down to is…well, I've…got a smothering Jewish parent. It's not so uncommon."  
"Well, when that smothering Jewish parent happens to be Crawl, it takes on new levels of horror previously unsurpassed."  
"Well..yes." said Melanie. "But that's for _me_ to worry about. Not you."  
"By the way, ever since you told me that Crawl was your father, it's been pretty awkward for me in class, knowing I dated his daughter."

"You didn't tell him, did you?"

"What do you think? I don't usually make it my business to converse with Crawl."

"That makes me sad, though, Tim, because Crawl wouldn't be able to wrap his mind around the fact that you so actively dislike him. He tends to…_like _people, Tim. I mean, he's a people person, you know."

"I don't actively dislike him. I would just rather have minimal contact with Crawl." said Tim. "What do you think he'd do if I came up after class, introduced myself, and told him you and I were dating?"  
"You're not going to, are you?" said Melanie, horrified.

"No, no, no. Though, all things considered, it probably would be the mature, levelheaded thing to do. But then I guess we're not dealing with someone mature or levelheaded at this point."  
"Oh, you've got it all wrong, Tim. My father would be very cool about it. To you. But then he'd go home, and ask me all sorts of embarrassing questions about it. Like making sure we haven't 'boned'-

"Oh, no." Tim groaned. "Please don't tell me things like that. It makes it all the harder to bear."  
"It'd be quite horrible. Of course he wouldn't beat me, or punish me, or anything like that, but he would be quite nosy, and er…overeager."  
"Yeah, I imagine Crawl probably says more than a few things you'd never want to hear your parents saying."

"Very astute of you. Yes." said Melanie. "You know that movie, _Mean Girls_?"  
"Yes."  
"You know Amy Poheler's character?"

"Uh huh."  
"Crawl. Exactly what he's like."

"I figured." said Tim. "So best we don't tell him right now, then."

"I think so."

"It'd sure make classes easier." Tim said. He sighed. "You know Melanie, I didn't mean to leave you with the impression that Crawl is terribly disruptive, or anything. He isn't."  
"Oh, I wouldn't imagine so, Tim. Crawl was a resident advisor of one of the dorms at one time,you know. He knows how to behave at the proper time and place."  
"But every chance he gets, he…well, runs his mouth. I mean _every_ chance he gets,he…gets stuff in, all the time. Like more than we ever wanted to know."  
"About himself?"  
"About anything. And once he gets going, it's incredibly hard even for the professor to shut him up."  
"Yeah, Crawl is…always talking, that's for sure. Always wanting to be the center of attention."  
"Well…" said Tim. "I sympathize with you."  
"Yes, and you're…well, as is becoming extremely apparent, a person who also finds my dad annoying. So…I can say stuff to you that…I couldn't say to anyone else."  
"Yeah. But please tell me we don't have to spend all our free time discussing Crawl."  
Melanie laughed. "No, of course not. Of course not. But some things…I just need to get off my chest, you know?"  
"I do."

"And I…couldn't say this stuff to Mom…she's super-loyal supportive of my father. As it should be, although it can be a little grating. Other people are annoyed by Crawl too…like I said, he smothers my grandmother and uncle, but my grandmother would never say a word against Dad, he's like a son to her. Zack does vocally express annoyance with my dad sometimes…but there's always the chance that if I said any of this stuff to him, it could get back to Dad…and then of course he'd be truly crushed if he ever found out I said some of the stuff I said to you today."

"I'm glad you…got to speak about what's been bothering you, though. Like I said, it can't be easy."

"Yeah. For me. But not for you." She bit her lip. "At least, not right now. But, if we ever get married one day-

"We neednt discuss that right now." Tim said.

"_If_ we ever do, then eventually, I'm sure Dad adjust, and like you a whole bunch, and then he can subject you to his smothering love as well. And you can be family."  
"Thanks for that, Melanie." said Tim. "I count the days."  
"Well, you said nothing could scare you away." said Melanie.

"And I meant it." said Tim. "But you didn't have to test the waters that much, did you?"

Melanie shrugged. 


End file.
